It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Yesterday I woke up with excitement in my heart because for Zachary and Mommy time I planned to take him to a water park that advertised that it opened from 9-10:30 on Thursdays for 1 to 5 year olds only but after I slathered my boy in sunscreen, dressed him in a cute surfing shirt, board shorts, sandals, and sunglasses, and grabbed the good camera, and after driving 30 minutes and Zachary spying the giant slide and saying that he wanted to go there, there was no one in the parking lot and the doors were closed and locked.  I asked where everyone was, I said I need to get in, I said if I don't get in my child will cry and Zachary and Mommy time will be ruined but nobody even answered.  When I tried to get a picture of Zachary looking all cute in front of the closed and padlocked gate my camera wouldn't work because my memory card was at home and then when I tried to take a picture with my cell phone my cell phone was dead.  I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

That's what it was, because when I tried to distract Zachary by telling him that I wanted to show him something (a bulldozer down the road), he saw it, grabbed my hand and told me that he wanted to show me something (the giant slide at the water park), and after looking at the slide and not understanding why we couldn't go inside there was a massive meltdown and I had to hold and comfort my child.  And when I was putting him in the car I noticed that I was wet and that he was wet and that his carseat was wet because I had put his swimmie on backwards.

And then on the way home he saw a giant slide at Burger King and said that he wanted to go there and I said, of course you can, we just need to get changed at home first and get my memory card.  And when we were at home the Husband called to say he knew of another water park for kids under 10 and that they opened at 11:30 so we could get lunch at BK, slide down the slide and then go to the water park.

On the way to the BK and in the parking lot Zachary told me repeatedly that he was going to go down the big slide all by himself and that he didn't want lunch but when we got to the play area the sign on the door said, "Playground Closed For Repairs."  If the next water park is closed, I told Zachary, I will buy you a pony.

And when we sat down to eat, my big fish was greasy and Zachary spilled half of his container of milk on his shirt and when I went to go get napkins to clean it up he spilled the second half of milk on his shorts and his seat, I hadn't brought back-up clothes, and I wasn't going to go back home again so Zachary was soaked.  It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

And when we got to the water park they charged me admission even though I was dressed in capri pants and a t-shirt and not planning on going in the water and then when we entered I realized that I was fatter than all the other mothers and I was hot and not dressed appropriately because Zachary would not go into the water so I had to carry him in and when he finally got used to the water and worked up the nerve to go down a tiny water slide he got dunked at the bottom and didn't want to down again and then two busloads of kids came in and made sure that he couldn't go down it again even if he wanted to.  And then when it was time to leave it was two hours past naptime and Zachary melted down again even after I told him that the park was closed at pool check time and that we could come back again later.

 Zachary had to ride home without clothes, his seat belts were tangled, and his carseat smelled like warm pee and milk.

And when I got home I checked my voicemail and I heard that my boss who had called last week to say he changed his mind and wanted me to stay his senior attorney and that he would work with me on my hours at home had left a message saying that he'd hired someone to fill my position.  I hope you sit on a tack! I yelled to the phone.  I hope the next time you need your senior attorney to evaluate the merit of whether a veteran is entitled to benefits based on exposure to Agent Orange and to write a judicial opinion on the fly that your senior attorney forgets her legal-research-website password, her computer gets a virus, and her printer doesn't work.

And when it got close to the time for the Husband and I to go on the date he had planned for us while my mom was in town to watch a baby and Zachary, and our daycare provider could watch the other baby, the Husband called to say that he was stuck at work and there would be no date.

The orange for my Blue Moon was moldy and I hate moldy oranges.

When I was rocking a baby there was nothing on tv or on the dvr and I hate having nothing on the dvr.

The babies melted down, the babies melted down more, Zachary's sandals went missing, the Husband came home late, Zachary was afraid of his room because he had a nightmare the other night, and I didn't get dinner until 9:30.  I waited too long to pump so I got breastmilk on my shirt, my room was a mess, Samantha woke up whenever her altimeter noted that she was descending on a bed-like surface, the light in our closet burned out, and the dog woke up Conor.

My father called to remind me that I hadn't written a thank you note to my cousin who had sent a card with $200 in cash for Samantha and Conor and I realized that I had lost the card and the cash.

And when I finally got to bed, Conor decided he wanted to eat every two hours instead of every three.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  I hear some days are like that.

Better not effin' happen again.  (Please send brownies.)